In what can only be described as a slow-motion car crash of investigative journalism, the Air India crash probe is limping towards its final report. One might say it’s been a bumpy ride, but that would be a disservice to the word ‘bumpy’ which implies a modicum of surprise. This was expected, like a gin shortage at a Wetherspoons on a Sunday.

The airline’s safety record, already as tattered as a tramp’s trouser cuff, is now being subjected to the kind of scrutiny usually reserved for politicians’ expenses claims. The probe, which has been dragging on longer than a Boris Johnson anecdote, is set to deliver its findings with all the fanfare of a wet firework. But let us not forget the real victims here: the passengers who trusted this metal bird with their lives, and my liver which has had to endure an alarming amount of gin just to get through this story.

The report, when it finally lands, will likely be a masterpiece of bureaucratic obfuscation, peppered with phrases like ‘systemic failures’ and ‘recommendations for improvement’. It will be filed, dusted, and promptly ignored until the next tragedy. The safety record of Air India is not just under scrutiny; it’s under a microscope wielded by a committee of blind men.

But fear not, dear reader, for the circus continues. The real question is not whether the report will be thorough, but whether it will be thorough enough to avoid any actual change. After all, consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, and the aviation industry is no stranger to little minds in big chairs.